But I was curious, and I’ll never forget it baby what an experience. You coulda been the one but it wasn’t that serious. There was smoke in the air before that was me clearing it. That felt good, all and all I learned a lesson from it though. You never see it comin’ you just get to see it go….
See when everything stops, and your love’s in hindsight, and you see everything it’s not, notice everything it wasn’t, realizing why it shouldn’t ever be again cuz in the end it’s not ‘bout what you put in. Fuck kissin’ and huggin’ they love pushin yo’ buttons, new love is so beautiful, time just makes it ugly. But fuck it I accept it.
it scares me that you never know what someone is thinking or feeling towards you and everything that they say could be one massive lie
Gaza August 19,2014.
"Extended cease-fire ends. Airstrikes resume. More than 30 Palestinians injured and 2 killed in Gaza."
Israel’s Operation Protective Edge
- 2,019 Palestinians killed [80% civilians] , including 542 children and 251 women from Israeli bombardment
- 64 Israeli Soldiers killed in combat and 3 civilians
- 10,223 Palestinians wounded, including 3,486 children and 1,970 women
- UNRWA has exhausted its capacity to absorb displaced persons, and overcrowding in shelters risks the outbreak of epidemics.
- 122 Palestinian families have lost 3 or more members of their family.
- UNICEF estimates about 373,000 Palestinian children have had some kind of direct traumatic experience and require immediate psycho-social support.
- 1.5 million people in Gaza have limited or no access to water supplies. 26 health facilities have been damaged.
- More than 485,000 internally displaced are in need of emergency food assistance.
- Shelling and bombing have damaged 142 schools — 89 of them run by the United Nations — , and multiple Israeli strikes on Gaza’s only power plant and other infrastructure have left it beyond repair.The cost of reconstruction will run to “hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars,” - Pernille Ironside, the head of the Unicef office in Gaza
When someone expresses their love for us…we want to believe them so badly that it consumes us. It takes over everything we know. Our pain becomes their power. Our minds become clouded…to the point that we think we have no other option in life except that person. We hope it works…and we’re left barely breathing when it doesn’t. Yet our hearts still beat…
This is what happens. You get with someone…fall in love…stay by their side despite all the choices they make…risk your family’s resentment…only to be betrayed by this person in the worst of ways. Time goes by…you get over them. You get a text out of the blue…and they slowly creep their way back into your life. Feelings come back…the flame reignites because of all the emotions tied in. You decide to try it again…give it a second chance because your love was so deep. You two go through it…argue…try to make it work…learn to finally communicate…as the love continues to grow. Things are good for awhile…you start to see a change. You’re finally happy.
Then…the smallest argument results in the parting of ways…at the most unexpected time…and you’re left to clean up the mess forced upon you. You’re blindsided…most hurt that it ended the same way it did before…with bad blood…with them just up and leaving you out in the cold…after everything you’ve done for them. You feel defeated…like you did everything in your power to beat the odds and you still couldn’t conquer. You begin to wonder if they ever loved you in the first place. You blame yourself…think of all the ways you went wrong…could it still be salvaged? Then you decide to just give up and accept the fact that they never wanted you for the long haul. You accept that you’ve been used…physically…emotionally…monetarily. You may love them…and wish they would fix everything…but they easily gave it all up and stopped caring. They let you go in the exact same way they did before…after they so feverishly promised countless times that they would never hurt you again. You realize how much more you’ve given than them. You realize their love for you was never real. You realize that they put hoes above yourself…and have been doing it all along. You were never number 1. You cry…you drink…you wonder…you cry some more. You can feel yourself crashing from the high. There’s nothing left to do now but pick up the pieces as life goes on…
I never wanted to say goodbye…
There’s a bittersweet feeling I get when I’m proven right about something. It’s nice to know my intuition never fails me…but it’s discouraging to know that even after you’ve given your all, you can still be left in the trenches…unappreciated and forgotten. People make promises all the time and break them…probably the most daunting realization was that I wasn’t indispensable…no matter how many times I was told otherwise. I never felt like the sacrifices I made would be made for me in return…it was like pulling teeth to get a compliment…feeling appreciated was like catching smoke…
I’ve made my fair share of mistakes…don’t get me wrong. Definitely no victim. I have a temper that gets the best of me most of the time…I have to blame the little devil on my shoulder that pops up and manifests my own insecurities…in which I took out on the relationship. I’m stubborn…hard-headed…impulsive…and hard to please most of the time. It wasn’t fair and I accepted it…and was trying my best to change it…damn…God knows I tried…
I’m fortunate in that I can rely on myself to get through the hard times…even if I feel alone in doing so. I can’t vent because no one is there to listen…no one has ever been there in that emotional sense. All my life I never talked about my “feelings”…never wanted to bore anyone with my problems because why should they care? That may not be the best plan in hindsight…but it’s what’s given me my leverage and my strength to overcome anything…by depending only on myself to heal the wounds others have bestowed upon me…
Personally…I don’t have the choice to be weak. I have to be strong and put on a brave face for the world in front of me because of the responsibilities I have and the pressure that’s on me to succeed. Although I must admit…there’s a double edge comfort in knowing that no one really knows…which leaves no room for others to tell me how I should handle my shit…because I’ve been handling my own shit…on my own…and in that sense I’m extremely blessed. Self-reliance and self-healing are two things I know and two things I’ve built all my life…and I apply it to every situation I’m in…including this one
I wish I could tell you how I can just dust myself off and start over…maybe I see no other option. My body physically refuses to let me fall victim anymore…you could say it takes a shit load of self-acceptance and self-worth…and a little cynicism. I know what I’m worth….and that’s definitely more than how I’ve been treated throughout my life by many people…more-so in the past 4 years. I thought I was building patience by dealing with it…turns out I was just being taken advantage of…
Let me spread some wisdom for you all. TRUST…once broken cannot be replaced…it just can’t. It’s best to high tail it the fuck outta there before you second guess yourself and dig an even deeper hole into your sorrows. You can forgive but you’ll never forget and if you hold on after the trust is broken then you’ll only become miserable and lonely…and you don’t want to feel lonely in a relationship…
I need to have real conversation with someone…where there’s something called substance. I’m not in a relationship to feel like I’m just there as their trophy…their prize…to just sit there and look pretty. I’m not in it to be criticized…judged…pressured…dismissed…ignored…or neglected. Not to be laughed at or put down. Not to be told I was loved but never shown it. That’s what we call a relationshit…and it was what I endured. Actions speak a lot louder than words ladies and gents & if you can’t walk the walk then I suggest you walk the other way and stop wasting someone’s precious time…time that could be spent with someone who is prepared and willing to buff up and actually give them what they deserve…
It hurts to watch the only person you’ve ever loved just leave you in the dust…but they’re the ones who will go through the real suffering. The long-term suffering of going through shitty relationship after relationship…longing for what they could only find within you. They’ll compare everyone else to you. They’ll search for the endless love you so desperately wished they would accept from you…and by the time they realize it…you’ll be long gone. Because by then…somebody is going to walk into your life and make YOU realize why it never worked out with anyone else…
In time…your life will begin to make sense again. Even if you can’t say you’re enjoying it…your mind will be clear…and your heart will not be as heavy. Only when you think about them. But just know that in time…you’ll survive it. I’ve done it before…and I’ll do it again. Eventually the heart repairs…
Ultimately they don’t treat you like shit because they think they can do better…they belittle you because they know you deserve better. And they take that as an opportunity to take advantage so they can feel like they’ve become king…but eventually it catches up. And that’s when you make a choice. A choice to take life by the balls and enter a new state of mind…a new chapter…or stay and put up with something you know is beneath your potential…if you choose the latter it just means you enjoy the abuse
They could tell you that they love you…you’re it for them…you’re one of a kind…but in the end words are only words. If they can’t match their actions with their words…run far away…because then that gives them leeway to continue with their lies and get comfortable with the fact that you’ll believe anything they tell you…
I don’t regret taking another chance…not at all. It’s definitely what I needed to realize a lot of things. It’s a sign of character to give someone a second chance…I don’t want anyone to think otherwise. It’s in our human nature to want to give someone a second chance because of all the feelings we had for that person…eventually they manifest. But I sacrificed friendships…time…money…emotion…tears on someone who was never prepared to reciprocate…we’re talking about someone who would rather make social media a higher priority than yours truly. That’s their prerogative…and they’re entitled to it. But not at my expense…not anymore…and after the second time around…I’ve learned that what I’m searching for…what I need…doesn’t lie within them…
The hardest part for me in all this is that I didn’t just lose the person I loved…I lost my best friend. The person I could tell anything to. The only one who listened. But I have to accept…for the second time…that there’s more to a relationship than that and those are things I couldn’t be given. He was always enough for me…but he could never see it…and it was taken out on me…hence the downward spiral. But in my mind…there was never anyone else. In my future…I saw him…despite his faults. But turns out that unconditional love wasn’t enough for him…so I bounced
But once you go through something so scarring…you never really heal 100%. That’s why it doesn’t hurt as bad the second time around. It’s because in the very very deep trenches of my mind…I was programmed to expect it. My motto is if they did it once…they’ll do it again. 100% guarantee. My fault is that I always hope for the best…I have to. I have to see the good in this life and the people in it or else I’ll drive myself crazy with the wondering…wondering if someone is going to hurt me…how they’ll do it…why…etc. I stayed because I was optimistic...and I was waiting for a reason to leave. So in all fairness…I brought most of this on myself. But now I know better…much better…
Ladies, don’t think because you’ve been with someone for a long time and hit milestones with that someone, that you don’t deserve better…because you do. People come and go, that’s just the brutal cycle of life. And someone you’ve been so invested in and have been loyal to, might hurt you and betray you in ways you never imagined. But humans are obviously capable of doing horrible things to you. But it’s the way you handle it that defines your character.
You’re gonna live…love…and lose people in the process. You’ll have your heart broken, your trust betrayed, but don’t ever lose your optimism. It’s gonna be what you need to persevere. Through the struggle…you will meet your equal…someone with the same humanity and love of life that you possess…someone who possesses the same unconditional love that you have for yourself…and then you’ll realize why nothing worked out before
Men, don’t ignore your chick. Don’t neglect her. Especially if you think you love her and see a future with her. And ESPECIALLY if she’s giving you another chance. If you ignore her or neglect her when you clearly see she’s hurt, especially by you, for a second time…then you need to redefine your meaning of love. You’re not down like you promised to be…and you need to reorganize your priorities as well as your principles. Don’t tell someone you love them if you aren’t fully prepared to be faithful to them and accept them for their faults…if your love for that person is conditional…then it isn’t pure…and it won’t take much longer for them to see right through your little charade
I always said not to regret the people who have hurt you…because they were placed in your life to help clear the path towards the people who are meant for you. I’ve learned the hard way how to let go of things.. people…opportunities…love…everything. The easiest part is letting go of him. The hardest part is letting go of the idea of him…because my heart and soul were deeply and emotionally invested into that idea. But him…himself…that I can release with no questions asked and no love lost…because my love for him…my respect for him most importantly…is null and void because I was nothing but a time-killer…a release…a “for the time being”…so to speak…
Love really is all that it’s cracked up to be…that’s why everyone is so cynical about it. It’s worth fighting for and risking everything for. When it comes to love…if you don’t risk anything…you risk even more…
The point of this essentially isn’t to speak my peace to the world and to all the people who think they have the slightest clue about my life and my relationships. No…this is my farewell…from me now…to who I was before…because I’m the only person I’m gonna get it from. No point in relying on the one person who broke every promise they made to me…so with this I move on and continue to live…
Despite writing this for the world to see…nobody will ever know the pain I went through for a person. Nobody will ever understand the depths and the trenches I went through and I don’t want them to. I just want them to know that there is always an after…after each dark night…there’s a brighter day…after each storm comes the sun…after the pain comes the healing…and there is always more to life than wasting your energy and your thoughts away on someone who doesn’t give two shits about you in the end. I just want them to know that I continue to live after the life I wanted so badly was stripped from me. I want everyone to know that after going through this…I still have my family…my friends…and the knowledge that I have my entire life to live…without him
I don’t need another being to fuel my happiness. Nobody can do that for you but yourself…I learned that the hard way not too long ago and it was necessary. I’m grateful for my weak moments, I can definitely say that. Am I hurt? Absolutely. Will I get over it? Abso-fuckin-lutely…he is only a man after all…and there’s plenty of those to go around…
So for now I’m off to a place not foreign…and that is a place where I bid farewell to a life I so desperately yearned…a life with him. The death of one life leads to the birth of a new one…a sweeter life…a happier life…a good life. I no longer have a hunger to escape…I’m jumping off this train…and all I see ahead of me now…are better days.
Cinnamon icecream sundae with carob fudge and banana chunks!!!
Day one of banana island -
About 6 frozen bananas, 1/8-1/4 vanilla bean, 1-2 tsp cinnamon blended/processed to make the creamiest delicioussssest icecream ever!!!!
Fill and layer with carob fudge, made with 2 heaps tbs raw carob powder, 2 5 inch bananas (they were so tiny) or 1 reg banana, a pinch of cinnamon or more vanilla if you wish… Blend on high.
Add chopped frozen bananas if you feel like chunks, if not…enjoy that SMOOOOOOTH CREAMY CREAM!
"I think every woman at one point or another in their life has been called a bitch. For a long time I had a real problem with that word, I didn’t like it and I thought it was derogatory. But I’ve gotten to a place now where I’ve made a lot of peace with it. It’s been so overused and made to seem so derogatory towards woman that I’ve adapted it into an empowering feeling for myself. If I’m a bitch then I’m a bitch, if that’s what an assertive woman is to you. So I’ve sort of adapted it as a badge of honor."
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